Normal Equals Doomed
by Tatsukai
Summary: Students at skool say it's not normal for Dib and Zim to fight the way they do  all over each other  unless they're a couple.  Zim always wants to appear normal.  ZADR  Warning: shonen ai.
1. Chapter 1

Dib sat in the guidance counselor's office. He was sent there after being told it was either the guidance counselor or the underground classroom when he'd interrupted class again trying to tell everyone that Zim was an alien.

Mr. Dwicky hadn't come back, and Dib doubted he ever would, but this new guidance counselor had been through Dib's file.

Right from the start, the guidance counselor had told Dib that aliens didn't exist. The adult laced his fingers and rested them on the edge of the desk. "Maybe it's time you told me the real reason you're so frustrated, Dib."

"Real reason? What do you mean 'real reason'?" There was no other reason; Zim was an alien and no one believed Dib.

"I think this fighting and obsession you have with Zim is subconsciously something deeper."

"Go on," Dib said suspiciously.

"It could be your way of dealing with jealousy or affection."

Dib's stomach gave a nasty summersault. Well, jealousy might be a something Dib might have had, considering Zim _was_ an alien and had a bunch of superior technology. But Professor Membrane had some inventions that rivaled some Zim's stuff, and Dib had Tak's ship so he had some of the Irken technology at his fingertips. Jealousy was not the problem. "Affection?"

"The same way a boy might pull the pigtails of a girl he likes. Maybe you're chasing Zim in a similar fashion," the guidance counselor tried to explain.

"That makes no sense; he's an alien!"

"Just because he's foreign doesn't mean you can't have feelings for him."

Dib crossed his arms and glared at the idiot in front of him. "Yeah, feelings of hatred. You're insane." Dib didn't really hate Zim. Sure, Zim was a jerk most of the time, but Dib only crossed his path when he was preventing Zim from taking over the earth. The rest of the time, Dib wanted to learn more about the Irken who shared his homeroom class at skool.

The guidance counselor stood and ushered Dib toward the door. "You can think on what we've discussed and if you want to ask any questions or talk some more, I'll be right here." And with that, Dib was shoved out the door.

10101010101010

Dib had purchased a new set of handcuffs. The website he'd purchased them from had said they were the second, improved version. He was determined to capture Zim, and the perfect moment would be during skool. Zim wouldn't have GIR or the weapons at his base to protect him. And if he used his pak, he would just help Dib reveal Zim's true identity.

Lunch was the perfect opportunity. Zim had proved less observant to his surroundings when he was worried the cafeteria food would attack him. Dib had it all planned out. When Zim seemed thoroughly distracted by his lunch, Dib would pretend to take his tray to the trash cans and then he would tackle Zim and capture him with the handcuffs.

Now was the moment; Dib could feel it. He picked up his tray and monitored his pace so he wouldn't seem too slow or too urgent, keeping his eyes averted from his target. As he came level with Zim, Dib dropped the tray and launched himself at the alien. They both tumbled to the floor, Dib pinning his prey down and reaching for the handcuffs hidden in his trench coat, grinning like the madman his classmates believed he was.

"I've caught you now, Zim!"

Zim barely struggled, knowing that if he played it just right, he could get Dib in trouble and he would get away without punishment. "I'm human! I love Earth!"

"I don't care what you shout, this time you're nowhere near your base and you can't use any weapons without revealing yourself."

Zim looked up at the counter where the lunch lady was supposed to be, but she wasn't there. "Argh! Why are there never any adult supervisors or security zombies when you need them?"

"Look at them," said another student. "A position like that isn't _normal_ unless they're lovers."

Dib and Zim paused. Dib in horror, and Zim concocting an idea.

"Why does Dib have handcuffs?" another teenager said. "Is it some sort of kinky fetish?"

Dib quickly hid the handcuffs. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea.

Zim began to put his plan into motion. "Of course it's normal, because human Zim and Dib love each other. Completely normal."

"We're not—" Dib didn't get to finish when Zim shoved him roughly aside to sit up.

"Totally and completely in love," repeated Zim.

"Then why don't you two kiss?" asked different student. "It's _normal_ for lovers to kiss."

Dib scrambled to get as far away as fast as possible, but before he could make it two inches, something caught the end of his trench coat.

"If kissing is normal, then I, _human_ Zim, will kiss the Dib." Zim pulled Dib closer, who was so shocked and conflicted—it was either a pleasant dream or a nasty nightmare—he didn't struggle.

10101010101010

"I can't believe you did that!" cried Dib. It had been a sloppy and wet kiss, but it had sent Dib's heart racing. Not that he would ever admit that to anyone, not even himself. Dib absolutely refused to think about his last meeting with the guidance counselor and what he had been suggesting.

"Well believe it, Dib," said Zim. "We're a 'couple' now. You'd better play your part right or I will destroy your species."

They were walking home in the same direction. As soon as they'd been out of sight, Zim had destroyed the handcuffs with the energy beams from his pak. Whoever invented the handcuffs obviously hadn't had Irkens in mind.

"I thought you were already planning on destroying us," Dib pointed out. 

"Eh? Then I will do worse!" Whatever worse was, Zim could figure it out later and in the meantime he would let Dib's imagination run with the information.

As expected, Dib's imagination did not fail. "No!" he screamed in horror. "Zim, you have to break up with me."

"Why?"

"We're not really in a relationship."

"Then I can't break up with you, can I?"

"I guess not. I mean, yes!"

The fake relationship meant nothing to Zim. Breaking up, Zim knew, was normal. "Fine then, at skool tomorrow, I will break up with you."

10101010101010

Dib and Zim were in the hallway. Students milled around, rummaging through lockers, talking, stuff. "Stink-beast," Zim addressed Dib, "I am no longer in need of your services."

"So," Dib clarified for the audience, "you're breaking up with me?" At the words "breaking up" all eyes turned to them.

"Yes, yes, now be gone, filthy worm baby." Zim waved a dismissive hand. The deed was done.

Two girls walking by spoke loud enough for Zim and Dib to hear. "I can't believe they broke up, they were such a cute couple."

"I know," her friend replied.

Dib blushed. There was no way he and Zim were getting back together. First, because they were never really together to begin with. Second, because Dib refused to believe he had any feelings but dislike towards the Irken.

10101010101010

The next day, Zim found Dib in the hallway.

"Dib, will you date with me?"

"What? No!" Dib slammed his locker closed. If he thought back on the moment now, he would've admitted that he'd actually slammed the locker in anger that Zim was just using him and not in anger that Zim asked him out.

"It would benefit us both," Zim tempted.

"How so?"

"You can chase me and pounce"—Dib's mind automatically replaced "pounce" with "tackle"—"me as often as you like and no one will think you're crazy. And I can finally complete my notes on human affection."

"That's right," Dib said, remembering, "Tak turned out to be Irken." Dib was not considering Zim's offer. At least, that's what he told himself. "Why don't you find a girl to date? It's normal for males to date females."

"The _females_ are not _worthy_ of ZIM!"

It was nice to be considered "worthy." If Dib could get his information on aliens without having to do it forcefully, he might not have to tackle Zim at all. "If I decide not to chase or tackle you," said Dib, "can I take my own notes on the behaviors of Irken affection?"

"Ha, ha, ha! Stupid pig-monkey, Irkens are so superior that we are completely unfamiliar with either the term or the actions of affection."

"Then how were you born?"

It was a simple question and only needed a simple answer, but Zim was invading Earth, not the Dib invading the Irken Empire. "That is none of your business."

"Must've been in tubes. It's written all over your face."

"Nothing is written on Zim's face!" How could a human child know information just by looking at Zim? The Dib was truly a more superior specimen of his species.

10101010101010

"So, meat sack," Zim called the attention of the Dib, "is it custom for couples to hold hands while walking?" It was something he'd seen at skool. A couple was formed when two people kissed, and when they were walking, the couple would hold hands.

"Usually," Dib responded. Zim had been on Earth for a few years now. He and Dib had entered hi skool and it wasn't impossible for the alien to have picked up on what couples did.

"Then let's hold hands," Zim commanded and grabbed Dib's hand.

Zim was actually touching Dib willingly. Dib was a little triumphant, which, he told himself, was because Zim had overcome _some_ of his disgust for humans and not for any other reason. Although, Zim's gloves were still in the way of their skin touching. It made the action of holding hands still seem like there was more distance than there was supposed to be.

Zim observed Dib's face. "Why are you blushing?"

"No reason. I've never held hands with anyone before."

"Do you like it?"

Not wanting to lose some undeclared competition by showing some sort of weakness, Dib countered, "Do you?"

"Eh," Zim grunted, which was neither an affirmation nor negation.

The whole skool seemed intrigued by the odd—or "cute" depending on who you asked—couple of Dib and Zim. The pair had everyone's attention as they came in the doors holding hands.

A girl who had witnessed their "breakup" asked her friend, "Are those two back together?"

The other girl giggled and said, "If they are, they would kiss again, right?"

Zim pulled Dib to a halt.

Dib looked at him questioningly. "What is it, Zim?"

"Kiss me."

"Right now?"

"No, next Tuesday," Zim snarled sarcastically. "What do you think I meant? I'm not going to wait all day."

Dib swallowed audibly. He could feel his palms starting to sweat so he let go of Zim's hand before steam started to rise. He shifted closer to Zim and leaned in, closing his eyes, until he felt their lips meet. He pulled back quickly, heart racing.

"That," said Zim breathily. He controlled himself in a split second and finished the sentence. "That was pathetic, Dib-stink. You will try again later."

10101010101010

Dib decided to pay the guidance counselor a visit. It would get him out of class for a few minutes, and maybe he could figure out how to fix his situation. Guidance counselors were supposed to help with bullying, right?

"You and Zim are a couple now." At Dib's confused look, the guidance counselor added, "It's all anyone talks about anymore." Then he went on. "It's a sign you've made progress."

"Well, about that. Zim's an alien right?" Dib didn't wait for an answer; of course, Zim was an alien—it was obvious. "He tries so hard not to blow his cover that whenever someone says something isn't normal he tries to fix it. I was trying to capture him the other day and some kid said it wasn't normal unless we were a couple and now Zim wants us to be a couple so he looks normal. He's an alien and this is all part of his plan to conquer Earth!"

The guidance counselor was making eye contact with Dib, but he was fidgeting with a pencil. "Then why are you playing along with him?"

"He threatened to destroy all humans!"

"How do you feel about the relationship? Do you sometimes wish it were real?"

"You aren't listening—Zim's an _alien_! An _alien_ come to conquer _Earth_!"

"I heard you the first time. Maybe you should think some more and come back later." The guidance counselor gestured to the door.

Dib left, muttering to himself. "Why did I go to him? I knew he wouldn't listen to me."

Lunch came and Dib set his tray down at Zim's table. Zim looked up and his first reaction was to glare at Dib and demand, "What are you doing sitting at Zim's table?"

"Zim, couples sit together at lunch." Dib was exasperated. He knew Zim knew that couples were made of two people who wanted to be together constantly. Constantly included lunch.

"That is normal?"

Dib nodded. "Uh-huh."

"Then sit with me, filthy worm."

A girl looked over and practically squealed. "Awwww! They already have pet names for each other." One could practically see the hearts emanating off her.

Humans could be so stupid. "We are not naming pets," hissed Zim.

Dib had to explain. "She meant that you called me 'filthy worm.' She thought it was a name you gave me out of affection."

"Pet names are normal?"

Dib replied with a nod of his head.

"Then you must give me a pet name."

"I like your real name better than any other name. It's okay if I just call you Zim."

Somehow, Zim was pleased. "Zim" was an Irken name, so no human would have the same name. It made Zim unique. "Of course there is no better name for me than The Almighty Zim!" A few kids turned to stare at him. "The Almighty Zim who is _normal_ and _human_." The declaration, as simple and transparent as it was, fooled the human children and they refocused on their lunches.

Lunch was over, and before long, skool was over for the day. Zim and Dib were walking home in the same direction like every day after skool.

"What do couples do outside of skool?" Zim asked, mentally taking notes.

"Well, they usually spend a lot of time together, share, I don't know—I've never been in a relationship before."

"I was researching couples and what they do," Zim said, as if it was a big accomplishment and the knowledge he gained was something rare.

"And?"

"And I came across sexual intercourse. We could try that."

Dib released Zim's hand with lighting speed as soon as he heard Zim's idea. "No. No, we cannot."

"Why?"

"Because. Because couples don't do that until they know each other real well."

"We know more about each other than anyone else," said Zim, and Dib had to agree with him there. "Does that classify as 'real well'?"

"Not yet." He tried to explain it further. "Sex is something special only for people to do if they love each other."

Zim dropped the subject of sexual intercourse as if it was no big deal. He still had a lot to learn about "love." This required more research. "You're human; shouldn't you know what to do after skool?"

"I've never been in a relationship before. The little knowledge I know comes from what I've seen around skool. I hope to gain the rest of it either instinctually or experimentally."

"Then kiss Zim again."

"You must be masochistic; doesn't it burn?"

"A little, but it's a pleasant burn and sometimes it makes my whole body feel hot and squishy on the inside."

Dib blushed. Zim was describing the same feeling he had when they kissed. He wasn't sure how to categorize the feeling, having never felt it before. Through elimination, he could figure out it was either love or lust or both as those were two things he'd never felt before.

Zim observed Dib's face. "Does that please you? Blushing occurs when heat needs to leave the body. It's not hot out, so you're either pleased or embarrassed. Or both."

"We're at your base," Dib stated, changing the subject.

Zim raised an eyebrow. "What now?"

"…Couples usually," Dib paused to clear his throat, "give goodbye kisses."

"The Dib is voluntarily offering another moment to kiss? Admit it—you enjoy it, don't you?"

"So do you."

Zim smirked in a way Dib usually described as evil, but this time he would say it was possessive. Zim pulled Dib close. This was different than all of the chasing and fighting they did, but it was just as exciting and fulfilling. Their lips met, and this time it wasn't brief. There was emotion, electricity, a _need_ that the two shared. They pulled away only when Dib needed air—Zim had his pak's atmospheric processor and could hold his breath longer.

GIR opened the door that was ironically labeled "men." Why hadn't Dib noticed it before? He wondered if Zim knew the insinuations of the label on his base door.

"Are you gonna have sex now?" GIR asked, innocently.

"GIR," said Zim threateningly.

"That's what they do in the movies!" GIR tried to explain to his master.

Dib had said sex was something special. Zim could wait, and in the meantime, there was lots of research to do.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I lied; it is not complete. I got so many great reviews that I actually considered where this would go if I continued it. This idea just came to me and I thought it was kinda cool so I wrote it out, and then I had to force it into a chapter. I don't know if you realize how much research I did to make all of this go together. Will I continue? Only if I get enough reviews. :)

Chapter 2:

"Stink-Dib, you will come with me to my base—" Zim looked around the skool hallway, "I mean, housing facility—after skool."

"But it's Halloween," said Dib. "Aren't you going to go to the dance or anything?"

Zim glared at Dib. "You do not question ZIM!" The human shouldn't have to ask; he should know exactly how Zim felt about Halloween.

Dib conceded, "All right, I'll come."

"That's more like it."

This was really a change for Zim to do more of his research without his disguise on.

Dib caught up with Gaz before she left skool. "Hey, Gaz, I'm going over to Zim's base after school and I might not be home 'til late tonight. Don't wait up for me."

Gaz didn't look up from her handheld game system. "I'd be glad if you didn't come back at all."

Dib ignored her mean comment and said, "See ya later, Gaz."

She gritted her teeth in response.

On the walk to Zim's base, Zim clutched at Dib's hand, eyes darting left, right, and even up. He glanced behind them several times.

Dib raised an eyebrow at Zim's behavior. "You're acting more paranoid than usual."

"Those slimy, dis-GUS-ting, odious creatures came after me before and they'll come after me again! They have their minds set on one thing: candy. A substance of which I cannot, and will not, provide, yet they do not seem to understand."

"Candy's not that bad. I bet you'd like it."

"It's human food, it'll hate me."

Dib dug through his pocket. He knew he had a piece of chocolate somewhere, but which pocket was it in? He tried a different pocket. A-ha!

"Here." Dib held out the wrapped chocolate for Zim to take. "It's chocolate. You should try it."

Zim eyed the brightly wrapped candy. It wasn't moving on its own like the cafeteria food. Zim picked it up. It didn't immediately seize his hand in an attempt to consume it. He let go of Dib's hand to warily unwrap the confection. Slowly, he put it in his mouth.

Dib triumphantly observed the surprised expression that crossed the Irken's face. Zim moved the chocolate around in his mouth and slowly started chewing on it. It wasn't burning his mouth, and it actually had a pleasant taste. It was definitely better than the waffles GIR made. After a while he swallowed.

"How was it?" Dib asked.

"It was…not bad."

"Oh, c'mon. It was probably the most delicious thing you've ever tasted."

Stubbornly, Zim muttered, "Maybe." Secretly, he wanted more.

They reached Zim's house. The lawn gnomes detected heat and movement, and they could be controlled remotely. At the moment, they recognized Zim's pack signal and didn't move.

As soon as they entered the base, Zim commanded, "Computer! Seal the upper level."

Metal shields came down over the windows and bolts locked the already reinforced door. Zim had had them installed immediately after the first Halloween incident. He spent every Halloween since then improving and perfecting the lockdown.

Dib felt a little nervous with all of the exits completely closed off. And a little confused as to why Zim needed him there if he had such a good defense.

Zim immediately discarded his disguise. Dib already knew what he looked like, and he didn't want to spend any more time than necessary in the itchy wig and scratchy contacts.

Dib followed Zim down to the base. He loved coming down here, but this was the first time he wasn't sneaking in to get a look at it.

Dib had been trying ever since he got possession of Tak's ship to learn Irken. He still had trouble translating speech, but he could now read the language flawlessly. Glancing at a computer screen, Dib saw what looked like chemistry, but it was in what he assumed was Vortian. Was this Zim's new plan to conquer Earth?

Zim saw the Dib looking at the screens and taking in as much as he could. "Can you understand all of that?" Zim asked.

Dib was startled out of his thoughts. "Most of it, yeah. You have a lot of research pulled up about humans and their weaknesses. But I can't read that one." Dib gestured towards the one screen. "I think it's in Vortian."

Zim grimaced. He had definitely been on Earth too long if a human had had enough time to learn how to read Irken and recognize Vortian. "Stop reading my files! Those aren't for you!" Zim reached for the nearest keyboard and hit a few commands. The text on all the screens was replaced with the symbol of the Irken Empire.

Zim calmly turned back to Dib, eyes narrowed. "What's your opinion, Dib?" He stepped dangerously close, pinning the boy against the computers to where he was almost sitting on the keyboards. "What do you think is the one weakness all humans have?"

Dib mentally willed Zim to lean closer. Dib said, "I said I would help you with this one research project. I didn't say a thing about helping you conquer Earth."

Zim did lean teasingly closer, seriously invading personal space. Dib couldn't think straight.

Zim's antennae twitched. "What's that smell?"

Dib hadn't done anything and he couldn't smell anything unusual. "What smell?"

Zim backed up some and then leaned in again. "It's you," he stated.

"Is that bad?" Dib hoped it wasn't.

"Tell me, Dib, when we made that antidote for the bologna DNA, how much did you alter it from its original compound?"

"I added a sample of my own DNA before I was turned into a bologna. Why?"

Zim exploded. "You IDIOT! You were supposed to _replace_ the Irken DNA with human DNA."

This didn't sound good to Dib. "You mean I have Irken DNA in me? Wait, what does that have to do with how I smell?"

"Irkens don't have pores. Humans do. Somehow, it makes you smell…," Zim's antennae twitched some more, "…pleasant."

Watching Zim twitch his antennae, Dib could only describe the movement as adorable, similar to a cat with its ears at attention. "Like, what, pheromones or something?"

"Exactly," said Zim.

"Is that even possible?"

"You tell me."

Well, if extra terrestrial beings on Earth were possible, anything was possible.

"You know," Zim said thoughtfully, "this might actually make my research easier. I can now smell when you're getting aroused."

Dib blushed. He didn't like the sound of that; it was something he couldn't control and now he was exposed, vulnerable. Zim must not have picked up on the scent before now because his wig was blocking his olfaction.

Zim moved away.

Dib looked around the base. "What did you want me here for anyway?"

"You're here to remind me that Halloween is not and never will be as scary as what's inside your big head."

"My head's not big."

"It depends on relativity."

"Relative to my body, my head is _not_ big."

"Relative to a squirrel, your head is big."

Dib frowned. That had absolutely nothing to do with anything!

Zim began typing at one of the consoles. Dib was being ignored and he didn't have anything to do. He decided to the upper level and watch TV.

"I'm makin' muffins with waffle in 'em!" said GIR when Dib stepped off of the elevator platform. The kitchen was clean except for a five foot radius around the robot where muffin and waffle mix and batter created chaos.

Dib headed for the couch. He flipped through the channels until he found a movie that looked somewhat interesting.

10101010101010

Dib didn't remember falling asleep, but knew he had to have been because he was waking up. Something was waking him up. Dib blinked through his askew glasses as the something was repeated.

Zim's red eyes studied him while the alien gently caressed his face in an awed manner. Sharp Irken fingers grazed over Dib's lips and Dib resisted biting at them.

"Humans are so inferior," Zim said, kind of ruining the moment with the insult. "Irkens don't sleep. Humans spend about one-third of their lives sleeping."

Dib realized he had never seen Zim sleep before, and that new information would explain it. Zim must be getting complacent around him to be dropping information so casually. "Sleep is important," Dib responded.

"Humans need sleep for the body to repair itself, to restore energy. My pak does all of that for me."

Dib looked at his watch. "It's midnight. I should probably get home."

Without warning, Zim pinned Dib to the couch by his wrists. "Not yet," he whispered. The scent was getting to Zim. He mashed his mouth against Dib's. Dib responded willingly, with just as much fervor.

Zim reached up under Dib's shirt that was annoyingly in the way, stroking smooth skin. He had to stay in control, but the smell was chasing every thought out of his head. He began to bite and lick a trail down the sensitive skin of the human's neck. The mixture of Irken and human DNA made the taste bearable if not pleasant.

No! It wasn't supposed to be this way! Zim had planned on observing and analyzing no matter how much pleasure he got out of it. Zim stopped his actions just as quickly as he's started them, giving Dib one last peck on the lips before removing himself from the couch.

"You're right, stink beast. You should probably get home."

Dib was breathing heavily. Despite that Zim was telling him to leave, Dib couldn't help but think Zim's voice was like liquid velvet. He was not afraid to admit it to himself now—he was attracted to Zim.

A/N: So, to clear a few things up. Dib is _not _going to turn into an Irken, the Irken DNA is just to make it seem more possible that Zim and Dib drawn to each other. They're completely different species even if Irkens are humanoid.

I hope you enjoyed! What was your favorite part of this chapter? And I know I forgot to ask on the first chapter, but what was your favorite part there as well? ^_^


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